life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm going to jail i love you
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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