i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
