Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
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Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
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It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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