Pappa wants mamma naked
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
