Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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