When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
