I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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