So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
