come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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