i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So much rum. So many feels.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
