If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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