she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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