my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
