It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
