That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
