Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
