I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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