i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
