sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
