True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
