The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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