Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
