I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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