I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
