i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
