I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
