i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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