I never want to see another naked old woman again.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
