I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
