Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
