Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
