She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
