I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
