I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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