i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
