just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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