one two three fourrrrnication!
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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