there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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