HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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