I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
