they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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