i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
