he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
