Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
