Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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