Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
