every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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