she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
sarcasm needs its own font
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
