Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She bit a glass in half.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
