She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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