Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
