My cat gives me a boner
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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