Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Found the puke drawer
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
