I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
