If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
