you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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