anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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