Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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