Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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