Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
